Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Worst Vampire Ever

This blog has moved to Bell in Real Life.

No, I am not talking about Twilight. They're so bad I don't even think they're vampires.

What I am talking about is me. I would be the worst (proper) vampire ever.

I've already talked about my violence issues. Couple that with the fact that I flinch at wounds inflicted on simply-drawn Family Guy characters, and you have the biggest wuss in the world. Seriously, simply describing small wounds to me tends to make me flinch or gag.

I also can't do horror movies. My own kind would freak me out. The 1968 version of Night of the Living Dead? You know, the one where the zombie is at one point clearly eating a turkey leg? I had several panic moments during this, which Jordan thought was hi-larious. I'm sure I deserve it, because I keep going "hey, let's try a scary movie" and then I go "ohgawdwhydidIdothisitwasahorribleidea."

Then there's this thing I have with my neck. I can't stand having people touch it. Like, augh. Do not touch my neck. I have to be super comfortable with you for it to be okay. I don't know why. It is just my thing. And I have it about other people's necks (so, hey, rejoice, I'll never choke a bitch).

The worst thing about me being a vampire, though? I have only one canine tooth. My mouth is too small, so not all my grown up teeth ever descended. I have a tooth on the right side that hangs out behind my front row of teeth, and on the left side? My canine is still up in my gums. It looks like I have two, because for some reason one of my other teeth sharpened into a fake canine, but I really only have one. So I would be like a mosquito and all the other vampires would laugh at me.

So yeah. I am totally not cut out for vampire-dom.


shezandguy said...

That is funny about the teeth... I also am missing a canine tooth... I had the baby tooth, but no adult tooth had ever developed to push the baby tooth out. I had that baby tooth for a long time, until a dentist decided it had to go... so now I just have a gap there... ::chuckle::

Sir Sannhet said...

I'd be the best vampire ever.

I'd be like Godric from True Blood, only more awesome. I mean, you have 1 canine, and I have 3. :D I actually had an extra tooth develop underneath the inside gumline, and it caused me no end of problems, until I cut it out.

And that was the end of that.

So....aversion to violence? Negative. Aversion to blood? AB negative (kek!). Requisite amount of blood-making teeth? CHECK!

....if I was a vampire I'd make you one. Just so you could be awkward about it.

Armond said...

/agree with the neck thing. It is sensitive, personal spot. Do not touch!

Awlbiste said...

I would be a horrible vampire because of my agoraphobia. So like, maybe if they had a blood delivery service I wouldn't slowly waste away in my house.

Agreeing mostly with the neck thing, I really hate people who touch the back of my neck (you know that like comforting move some people do?) do not want.

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