BIORYTHMS

Another Move?

2010-09-07T00:33:00.001-04:00

So, I did it. I made my whole new personal blog!

Bell in Real Life

So, yeah. Go there. Woo!

What's In a Name?

2010-09-06T10:57:00.004-04:00

This blog has moved to Bell in Real Life.

A while ago I wondered about if I should still use "Bellwether" on my personal blog or if I should switch to "Dani." If you notice, even after closing 4Haelz, I'm still using the "Bell" blog moniker. And, honestly, I prefer to use "Bell," "Bellbell," or "Bellwether."

No, the name crisis today seems to be on the name of my blog.

Originally, I was using Biorythms for my personal blog. Eventually I screwed around with it enough that I messed something up with it, it started doing the date double time for each post, and I thought I needed a change. So I transferred over to here, which was originally supposed to just be a "dream journal" blog, and began writing, thinking no one would really read it but a few friends.

And now people are reading it (still just a few of you, but still) and I can't help but think the name of my blog is silly and odd and no one will get it and augh. Plus it doesn't feel like "me." It's just something I fished around for and pasted up there.

So, I guess I'm contemplating another move, for no other reason than my own dissatisfaction. Which is a pretty good reason, I would say. But at the same time, I have no idea what I would call this new blog, except perhaps "Bell in Real Life," and I can see myself growing dissatisfied with that, as well. Which makes me feel like maybe I'm just being too fickle about this.

But I still think this blog's title is kinda stupid and awkward.

You're Doing It Wrong: I am an Angry Driver

2010-09-02T12:49:00.005-04:00

This blog has moved to Bell in Real Life.

Granted, I am the most non-aggressive angry driver possible, probably, truly, I-never-use-my-horn-or-yell-though-I-think-really-hard-about-it, but still. Anyone who has ever been on the phone with me while driving (ooh illegal) or in the car with me will hear a non-stop diatribe about the morons I am driving alongside, around or in front of. Especially right now, as my ability to sleep the last few days has taken a nose dive into oblivion.

But, hey. What bothers me about people's driving?

Here. I made a list just for you.

Driving the same speed, slower or only incrementally faster than the car in the right lane.

The left lane is for passing. PASSING. Not driving alongside to have a chat and wave party while the line of cars behind you grows ever longer. This bothers me to no end and makes me just a tad bit miffed.

Braking right up on my ass at a stop light, especially on an incline.

You know what this makes me do? I have to do that funny little double-pedal thing where my left foot is on the brake while my right foot taps the gas, because if I slide backwards even a centimeter, I'll probably tap your bumper. And I'm sure that's your plan, Mr. I have a giant red truck and I'm gonna see if I can slowly creep over the Camry properly waiting for the red light.

Constantly jockeying for position in tight traffic.

You know, I'm perfectly cool with people passing me. I like to drive fast, about 80 mph in a 65 zone (illegal again!), but I'm totally all right with moving into the other lane, where I'm able, to let people going faster go around me with only a slight comment on damn you're gonna kill yourself going 90. But when traffic is tight, and we're all waiting in lines, and you're playing the speed pass on the right to move up the left line game? I hate that, especially because they inevitably end up going in front of me, ruining my safety space between me and the next car and making me put on the brakes. And you know what? You get nowhere fast, arriving to your exit maybe five seconds before you would have earlier. Congratulations, douche?

You've been driving for how long and you don't know about cruise control?

I love cruise control. It is my favorite thing ever. Which is why I don't get how I can play "passing" games with other cars. There have been multiple occasions where another car and I will constantly be passing each other, moving into the left lane, going around, moving back into the right...just over and over. And the kicker is, my speed never changes because I have my cruise control on, and they just randomly fall behind and speed up or whatever. It's like no one ever taught them how to maintain a speed on the highway. Then I start to worry they're oblivious to it and just think I'm a competitive fiend who speeds up to pass them again after they've moved around me. Because I'm not. I just don't want to tap my brakes and drop below my set speed because they can't make up their minds.

Traffic. TRAFFIC.

But we all hate traffic, right? Eh, I don't really care so much about traffic so long as I have gas, air and some sort of beverage I can sip slowly (gotta avoid those pee breaks). What really frustrates me about traffic is when I can see the end of it. And not only can I see the end of it, but I can see the clearly defined end of it where two cars are the obvious start of all the backed up traffic behind them because they're playing the same game as the first point and acting like a living wall, where either one is unwilling to move past the other. I have been just several cars behind these before, and I don't know if I've ever been so exasperated with unknown, anonymous people outside the internet.

People who use their horn.

The car horn is the most in-eloquent, confusing, unhelpful, jarring warning in the world. How the hell am I supposed to know if that loud blast of angry noise pollution is directed at me or the person behind me? Or in front of me? How am I supposed to know it's because I am moving just a tiny bit too slow or too fast? All it tells me most of the time is that the person behind the wheel who hit it is a prick who has no idea how badly I hate loud, sudden noises and how much it makes me want to spasm jerk the wheel in sudden terror. And usually if someone is using their horn towards me, I'm already probably lost and confused and worried and stressed out enough, thank you, without your irritated BLARRGH shrieking at me.

Other drivers suck and I'm perfect. Just...just so you know.

Is Love Alive?

2010-09-02T00:11:00.002-04:00

Stupid things I do when I'm depressed: Listen to this song.

The Worst Vampire Ever

2010-08-31T09:22:00.004-04:00

This blog has moved to Bell in Real Life.

No, I am not talking about Twilight. They're so bad I don't even think they're vampires.

What I am talking about is me. I would be the worst (proper) vampire ever.

I've already talked about my violence issues. Couple that with the fact that I flinch at wounds inflicted on simply-drawn Family Guy characters, and you have the biggest wuss in the world. Seriously, simply describing small wounds to me tends to make me flinch or gag.

I also can't do horror movies. My own kind would freak me out. The 1968 version of Night of the Living Dead? You know, the one where the zombie is at one point clearly eating a turkey leg? I had several panic moments during this, which Jordan thought was hi-larious. I'm sure I deserve it, because I keep going "hey, let's try a scary movie" and then I go "ohgawdwhydidIdothisitwasahorribleidea."

Then there's this thing I have with my neck. I can't stand having people touch it. Like, augh. Do not touch my neck. I have to be super comfortable with you for it to be okay. I don't know why. It is just my thing. And I have it about other people's necks (so, hey, rejoice, I'll never choke a bitch).

The worst thing about me being a vampire, though? I have only one canine tooth. My mouth is too small, so not all my grown up teeth ever descended. I have a tooth on the right side that hangs out behind my front row of teeth, and on the left side? My canine is still up in my gums. It looks like I have two, because for some reason one of my other teeth sharpened into a fake canine, but I really only have one. So I would be like a mosquito and all the other vampires would laugh at me.

So yeah. I am totally not cut out for vampire-dom.

THE NOTE

2010-08-30T20:49:00.001-04:00

No, this never happened to me. I never wrote one of these notes. I just was messing around. My brain was boredom'd.

This isn't even art. Lulz wtf?

Tie Up Your F!@#ing Mutt

2010-08-27T13:39:00.002-04:00

I love dogs. I desperately want my own, and the only two things (big things) stopping me from this are lack of funds and transitory living conditions. If I didn't have these two problems, you'd bet I'd have a dog. A bigger dog, preferably, one to roll around with and cuddle and tousle its ears. (I know before I talked about a chihuahua, but he was adopted and that boat has sailed.)

But you know what just happened?

Jordan was knocked off his bike by an aggressive, charging pit bull, and his wrist is either broken or severely dislocated. They couldn't even x-ray it. So now this pit bull is going to be put down because of its aggressive tendencies and Texas law. You know how this could have been fixed?

Either train your dog properly or keep it in your damn yard.

You don't let an aggressive dog just wander around. You just don't. "Oh, he jumps the fence." Then fix it. If he's outside, tie him to a lead. If he's in your house, keep him from doors.

Jordan isn't very tall, but he's compact. He does martial arts and works out daily. He can fight off a pit bull and get away without being bit.

You know who can't?

I can't. Children can't. We'd have been ripped apart. It wouldn't just be a scenario of me half a country away having anxiety attacks over my mostly-fine-but-in-a-lot-of-pain boyfriend. It could have been a real tragedy.

Tie up your aggressive dogs, for fucks sake.

Willfully Ignorant

2010-08-25T15:33:00.003-04:00

My stepdad has 70+ acres of beautiful forest and lake shore. It's where I'm currently staying, in the cabin by the lake. It's a really nice place to live even if I have to be super careful about bugs and mice.

The perimeter of the land is also clearly marked by yellow signs, about every ten feet (give or take available trees). These signs say (paraphrased) "PRIVATE PROPERTY. Trespassing for any reason is prohibited. Violators will be prosecuted." This is very clear that if you do not have permission or the deed, you should not be here.

So what happens when I'm coming up the driveway, but there is an older woman and four children walking down it. They move to the side to let me pass, and as I get next to them, I stop and roll down the window. And, rather confused, I ask, "What are you doing?"

Because, you know, I don't know them.

The lady answers, "We're walking. We're heading to Sea Hag Soaps."

My response is, then, "You...know this is private property right?"

"Yes. But we're just walking."

I let them go, because what do you say to that? Suddenly I'd become the bitch who is yelling at the grandmother and four kids telling them how that isn't the point.

The worst part of it, to me, was she knew. She didn't stumble blindly into the woods with her kids and come upon the driveway. She knew this wasn't her land, that trespassing for any reason was prohibited, but she did it anyway. And she didn't feel bad, or guilty, or like perhaps she owed me an apology. She was entitled to use my land because she was just walking.

Let's ignore that I found broken bottles not far from the cabin. Let's ignore that it makes me nervous to know strangers walk around the woods. Let's even ignore that they technically broke the law. What bothers me the most is that this woman knew it wasn't her property, had seen the signs, and chose to ignore them, showing her grandchildren or whatever by example that it's okay to use other people's property without their permission. And when they object to it? Well, you were just walking.

/fume

Anything in the Fridge

2010-08-20T19:43:00.003-04:00

I need a better name for my impromptu pasta dishes other than "Anything in the Fridge." It doesn't really flow off the tongue well, you know?

The three dishes I'm talking about are:

Two weeks ago, I made pasta with my friend Erin. We basically added sharp cheddar cheese, butter, garlic salt and cayenne pepper to penne pasta. I think I put in too much garlic salt, and the cheese didn't melt well. But it was passably tasty for dinner and I got to use some questionable cheese before it went bad.

Then earlier this week, I made more penne pasta (I like penne), and all I did was add some tuna. Granted, it was this pre-seasoned tuna made with lemon pepper. It wasn't bad. I still have some tomato basil tuna, so in a week ('cause, you know, mercury) I'm probably gonna try that one with pasta.

And just a few moments ago, I made some sauteed onion and garlic to add into (more) penne pasta, along with butter and parmesan cheese. Best one so far. I feel a bit like I cheated, though, 'cause mom was here to tell me not to put the onion in the water, and informed me how to saute.

Also Erin introduced me to Woodchuck Hard Cider and it is awesomesauce. I'm drinking one right now.

So I'm a Wimp

2010-08-14T20:18:00.002-04:00

I had "Safe Crisis Management" training for work on Friday. We learned what we can and can't do in a crisis, how to defuse it, and so on. It basically boiled down to "try to prevent it, try to keep you and the child safe, and remember restraints aren't allowed."

Then we did some demonstrations and I had to help the trainer by fake punching and fake choking. I nearly cried because I did not want to even pretend to hurt them. I really didn't think I would have such a problem with it, but I apparently do.

Besides the problem I have with people touching my neck (I don't like that. Like, at all. Did you know?) I apparently can't perform even pretend violence.

So, color me wimpy, but I did nearly cry.

Uncomfortable

2010-08-12T16:55:00.003-04:00

I hate living in this cabin.

It's not a bad cabin. It's actually, as my friend said, one of the best cabins she's seen.

But it's small, and not mine, and packed with my stepdad's stuff. There's no room in the fridge, or the cabinets. I'm living out of suitcases because the dresser is blocked by boxes and containers. The bed is flat and on wood and I don't sleep all the way through the night.

I just feel like I'm intruding on my mom and stepdad's home-away-from-home and it's awkward.

I need to find somewhere to live, but out in the boonies there just aren't many options. Most, if not all, of the apartments around here are gone, and so I have to wait til something opens up and hope I have the money for it.

I really hope I have the money for it.

Girliness

2010-07-07T09:00:00.001-04:00

For those of you who don't know, I want to adopt a dog. But not just any dog. His name is Romy (short for "Romeo") and he's a very sweet little boy who loves to hang out with me.

It's just...he's a chihuahua.

I've kind of rebelled against being girly since I was little. I don't go in for fashion crap; I wear comfortable clothes and shoes. I mean, I try to look nice (and I have to probably go do a little more clothes shopping if/when I get a job) but I don't go overboard spending a ton of money for "style." Kohls sale racks are my friends. As well as Goodwill. LOVE Goodwill.

I still don't wear makeup.

I hate shoe shopping, too, though lately I've kind of developed a thing for boots.

I don't like wearing a lot of jewelry, except now lately I have a ring I wear everyday, and a necklace I'm starting to.

And now I want a chihuahua. The quintessential trussed-up bimbo handbag dog. I don't even like chihuahuas normally! I just like this one. And yet I feel like I have to get all defensive when people snicker and ask if I'm going to carry him in my purse. The answer is, of course, NO. And honestly, he wouldn't enjoy it. He can run three miles; sitting still in a purse would bother him a lot.

Just...seriously. When did I start slowly leaking into girldom? I wanted a rottweiler, and now I'm going for a five pound midget.

SIGH.

The Stranger Libido

2010-07-06T10:47:00.000-04:00

So have you ever wondered if a stranger has ever used you for a masturbation fantasy? Not a friend or significant other or acquaintance, but someone you'll never know or meet.

I mean, obviously you'd never know if they did or not. And I could see it being super awkward conversation. But, well, think about it (I don't think you can stop now that I've mentioned it, really). Someone just sees you on the street or through a window, and later you pop up in their fantasy, whether intentionally or not. Hell, you could show up in a sex dream of theirs and they not even realize who you are!

I have always wondered about it because, well, my libido is kinda wonky compared to what I consider the stereotypical "norm." I have never ever been able to think pictures of people in magazines or on TV were "hot." I have always needed some emotional and physical connection to get turned on at all. Once that happens my libido shoots through the roof, but otherwise it just kinda sits dormant, uninterested in strangers.

So, apparently, no one-night stands for me.

So I suppose what I'm tangentially getting at is, I don't really have that drive to fantasize about real people I've never met. Whether they're famous or just some good-looking stranger on the street, it just doesn't do it for me.

Maybe it's a girl thing, or maybe it's a me thing...

Impermanence

2010-07-05T08:40:00.003-04:00

I think some things aren't meant to last forever. Lasting forever kinda dulls their meaning, to me. Or their beauty. Give or take, depending on what we're talking about, I suppose.

But basically, what I'm talking about now are fireworks. I mean, fireworks can be pretty awesome. Loud noises that scare small dogs and send shell-shocked veterans diving for cover, seizure-inducing light displays, and tons of atmospheric smoke pollution, but still really cool. Especially finales (though often finales end up looking like they accidentally set the whole row on fire and everything is launching at once oops).

And then I see people taking pictures of it. Really, how can you enjoy fireworks through a camera lens? And is that picture going to be the same as real fireworks? Meanwhile, you've just missed out on the experience of watching the actual fireworks in an effort to preserve them in a less effectual form.

Sure, you can't repeat a memory quite like a picture or a video, but I've never been quite as impressed by someone's photographed or filmed lights as I am the real deal. I'd rather just enjoy it in person.

List of Things to DO

2010-05-29T12:26:00.003-04:00

1. Get this last class done. I screwed up, I need to fix it.

2. Get money for this last class from some sort of loan.

3. Find a job (preferably in Texas, though I may have to start in PA).

4. Get enough money to get my car insurance, my maintenance, etc. paid for.

5. Sell all the crap I can out of my dad's basement, give away anything not necessary.

6. Save every penny I can. No smoothies from Starbucks, no out-of-the-way car trips, no sushi-cause-I-feel-like-it, no extras. I will have a treat here or there with friends, but nothing extra just because I want it.

7. Look into getting teaching certification either in PA or TX. Get a student loan for it so that I am still "in school" so I do not have to worry about health insurance, dental or eye.

8. See a chiropractor because my body won't stop hurting.

9. Volunteer more. Go to Four Footed Friends and become a dog walker (exercise, dogs, helping yay).

10. Go to the doctor and get thyroid checked.

11. I'm sure there's more I should be doing but I'll work on this stuff for now.

Things

2010-05-18T14:45:00.004-04:00

Things are things. It's like...do I say things are better? I guess they are.

But in a lot of ways they aren't. They aren't worse, and maybe they aren't bad anymore...but they aren't better.

If that makes sense.

You learn to live with things, I suppose. Things get better or they get worse or they just get constant, and you learn to live with it.

Some things are much better, like being able to say "I love you" to Jordan again, and hearing it back.

Some things are worse, like screwing up my summer.

Some things are just constant, like my problems between my dad and I.

But, well, it's just...things.

You Don't Understand

2010-01-19T01:06:00.004-05:00

There's a duality in asking for comfort in a break up. There's the need for encouraging words and hugs and warm, soothing thoughts to try to ease the pain away. Then there's the words you don't want to hear, as people try to pick apart your relationship in an effort to help. They take what they know and sift through it, apply their past experiences and give you advice.

Sometimes, you don't want advice. You just want the empty words and the comforting presence, and that's all. You don't want to hear how someone's been through it before, how they dealt with it.

You don't want to hear someone say that the person you love is probably just using you.

You don't want to hear that maybe they're cheating on you or they just wanted you out of convenience or they were tired of you.

You don't want to hear "You deserve better" or "you're too young to find your forever."

You don't want to hear them take words you said a long time ago and twist them so they're not what you said.

It doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't make it easier to talk to them every day as a friend and have to pretend that it's enough and it doesn't kill you inside.

Don't tell me how to manipulate him into missing me. Don't tell me you understand. I don't care if you've been here before or I'm just some stupid young kid who will get over it in time.

If you've been here before you know how it feels and you know how all that shit just makes you feel worse.

Let me be "emo" and let me have my heartache. Give me a hug, tell me it'll be okay. But don't tell me anything else.

My House is Freezing

2009-12-23T20:50:00.003-05:00

The first thing to freeze is always my nose. Without wearing a ski mask, my nose can't be comfortably shielded without snuggling under blankets, which pretty much makes most other activities impossible. So I'm huddling here in my fuzzy boots and my boyfriend's loaned hoodie (I've had for almost a year...time for him to wear it again so it smells like him!!) and my nose is frozen.

I'm thinking maybe gloves, but I've tried to play on the computer with gloves before and honestly it's kind of clumsy, even with those nice driving gloves that are really snug. It's just not fitting right.

At least my toes are all warm and snug. That's another part that freezes quickly; my toes.

I guess all I'm getting at is: I'm cold. Like, really, really cold.

/hug?

It's Creepy When You Think About It

2009-12-21T10:04:00.002-05:00

Has anybody ever thought about the slang that refers to women? Not the derrogatory ones. The kind of everyday ones.

Specifically "chick" and the lesser used "babe." Don't forget about "doll."

Those refer to women as if they're little. Like, chicks are infant birds. Babes are babies. Dolls are most often portraying infant humans, used by little girls.

When did referencing a hot woman become so pedophilic?

That's my random thought for the day. Just think about it.

And I Go And Do It Anyway

2009-12-13T14:55:00.004-05:00

Seriously, what the hell. I'm all gung-ho to continue with this personal blogging thing, and then I just drop it like a bad habit, only faster than that because bad habits are actually really hard to drop. What the hell, man. WTH.

It's probably that nothing "interesting" is going on, really. What all can I say here? I wake up, go to class, have panic attacks, play some games, go to bed. That's it! And the stuff that would be "interesting" I'm not supposed to be talking about. So don't even ask, because I won't talk about it.

Oh, I suppose this is information: I won't be seeing Jordan this break. Just won't happen. Guess why? Can't say because it's part of the "do not talk about it ever" stuff. No, we didn't break up. Yes, we're both upset about it. No, it was not our idea.

After this, I'd appreciate if it isn't brought up because honestly, it hurts to talk about.

So how in the world can I make myself keep this blog active? I want it to be active, I really do. But my life is made up of nothingness. Most exciting things to happen to me are the inspiration to go on walks, which are immediately quashed by the either perpetual rain or perpetual it's-so-cold-outside-you-can't-walk-five-feet-without-frostbite. Hell, most of my interesting ideas revolve around DnD and WoW! I'm like...the uber fail geek.

I need more hobbies. /sigh

But hey, this was some sort of update, right? I guess? Kind of?

/failure

Yes, I'm Talking About DnD Again

2009-12-04T08:53:00.002-05:00

You're just going to have to deal with it (or stop reading).

So, for the majority of my DnD "career" I've worked with one DM, Proven Paradox. I only play online because the crazy geek-nerds on campus have over-full groups or don't actually form them. But that's fine, because Dox is an awesome DM with great stories and interesting traps.

Right now he's trying to teach us a moral lesson about mass killing, which is all entangled in the fact that they attacked us when we just wanted to talk. Not to mention that we killed an orc kid's father. In fact, my character literally executed his father who was locked in place by a spell. But, in her defense, he was a crazy rabid bear at the time.

There's a lot of frustration involved in roleplaying. Often times I know something, or notice something, but it's not in my character's nature to mention it. Sometimes I know the proper course of action, but it's not my character's nature to take that course of action. Sometimes I know the solution, but there's no way my character would.

But that's part of the fun, keeping your character true to themselves while still trying to survive the room quickly flooding with distilled negative energy or the huge band of bloodthirsty orcs. You work with characters who don't fit your personality in the least.

When Soli is confronted with this kid she just "orphaned" (if he doesn't have a mother), she's not going to have but a few drops in her care cup. The bear-shaman was outnumbered, outclassed and offered options besides death. He continued to fight, so she killed him without mercy or remorse. If he had a kid, he should have probably considered that when offered the opportunity to live. Yeah, sucks to be the kid, and she might feel bad for him, but she won't feel bad about what she did.

But that's not the case for all my characters. Asani (favored soul), Avi (bard) and Hannah (cleric) wouldn't have killed him and attempted everything to keep him alive at the point he was hopelessly outnumbered. Tazmurr (gnoll swordsage) would have killed him, but felt bad about orphaning a child and confused as to why the orc had sacrificed himself if there were cubs to worry about. Jester (chaotic evil nymph warlock) would have enjoyed the situation and pondered how to make it worse. Bellbell (Crusader) (yes she exists in DnD too!) would feel no remorse for killing a father who put saving face in battle above caring for his own child and would be making arrangements for the adolescent's future in her head already.

But they're not the ones in the situation. Soli is. My 4'8" human swordsage girl, 19 years old, spent four years living by herself in the wilderness to escape a neglectful, verbally-abusive father and the expectations laid out for her. In that time, she toughened up and reconciled with the harsh realities of life. Those harsh realities include death, especially if your actions are idiotic and miscalculated.

She's not me, but I love her. She's merciless without being sadistic or cruel. She's socially awkward, often confused, loyal, conflicted and focused. She's as ire-less as a hunting animal; she does what she does to keep herself and those important to her safe, and for no other reason. There are things she feels guilty about, like making her brother worry or accidentally causing problems with her uncomfortableness of close quarters and around people, but this won't be one of them.

But this is all speculation; she doesn't even know she killed the kid's father yet. Who knows? Depending on the kid's reaction, this could all change in the blink of an eye. That's why I love DnD; you can make all sorts of predictions and plans, but in the end it'll all be different than you thought.

Exploring the Development of Sexism, Using DnD Orcs

2009-12-02T10:58:00.001-05:00

(10:31:39 AM) Proven Paradox: Hm. Sexism would vary race to race.
(10:31:58 AM) Proven Paradox: Orcs are the obvious example here since the group is facing a violently patriarchal society right now.
(10:32:23 AM) Proven Paradox: Orcs value strength as the highest virtue. To the orcs, might makes right.
(10:32:38 AM) Proven Paradox: However, the difference between orc men and orc women is less pronounced than in humans.
(10:33:44 AM) Proven Paradox: So their sexism isn't based in a difference in aptitude. Orc societies would probably include more women warriors than others.
(10:34:41 AM) Proven Paradox: I think the issue here becomes one of childbirth.
(10:35:03 AM) Proven Paradox: Consider two orc tribes. Tribe A starts with 10 men and 10 women. Tribe B starts with 5 men and 15 women.
(10:35:43 AM) Proven Paradox: Discard ideas about monogamy, and Tribe B will grow approximately 50% faster due to starting with more women.
(10:35:53 AM) Dani: though uh
(10:36:05 AM) Dani: that introduces problems with genetics
(10:36:12 AM) Dani: genetic diversity^
(10:36:35 AM) Proven Paradox: Yeah, that's true, inbreeding becomes a problem eventually, but for the sake of my oversimplification let's ignore that shall we? <<
(10:36:47 AM) Dani: <3 kk
(10:37:51 AM) Proven Paradox: So, Tribe B grows faster. But you don't want women in higher risk jobs, like hunting and so forth. Losing a man doesn't reduce the growth potential of this tribe.
(10:38:22 AM) Proven Paradox: So the women are more valuable to the tribes' success by staying home, out of harm's way.
(10:38:23 AM) Dani: wait
(10:38:25 AM) Dani: that uh
(10:38:28 AM) Dani: that seems kind of wrong
(10:38:33 AM) Proven Paradox: Howso?
(10:39:00 AM) Dani: with less men they'd be considered more valuable, wouldn't they? You could afford to lose a woman in tribe B because there are 3x as many of them as men
(10:39:12 AM) Proven Paradox: Remember, we're ignoring inbreeding.
(10:39:21 AM) Dani: whereas in tribe A reducing the female population would actually slow them down considerable
(10:39:24 AM) Dani: considerably
(10:39:27 AM) Proven Paradox: As long as there's one man left, he can produce children with all 15 women.
(10:39:29 AM) Dani: because there would be less males than femals
(10:39:34 AM) Dani: females^
(10:39:46 AM) Dani: er
(10:39:50 AM) Dani: more males than females^
(10:40:02 AM) Proven Paradox: When/if Tribe B gets down to one male, then we suddenly see a gigantic flip in priorities.
(10:41:45 AM) Dani: With 3x times females than males, you can afford to lose females more. All things remaining the same, in both cases a female can only hold a single child at a time. But when you have the same amount of females as males, females become more important to save because having more males than females is useless. But you can lose females in the tribe with extra females so long as the total number of females is greater than or equal to the amount of males.
(10:42:26 AM) Proven Paradox: That presumes a male can only father a child with a single female.
(10:42:34 AM) Dani: No, it doesn't
(10:42:38 AM) Dani: It means that's the minimum
(10:42:49 AM) Dani: You want to meet the minimum
(10:43:00 AM) Dani: If you want to meet the minimum you need at least the same amount of females as males
(10:43:11 AM) Dani: Which means tribe A is at their minimum
(10:43:14 AM) Dani: They want to stay there
(10:43:22 AM) Proven Paradox: Wait, why do you want to be at minimum?
(10:43:34 AM) Dani: You don't want to be BELOW minimum
(10:43:44 AM) Dani: Because then you have useless males.
(10:43:47 AM) Proven Paradox: But being above the minimum is better, is it not?
(10:44:24 AM) Dani: Yes. But it also means there is more freedom for females because losing one of them isn't affecting the minimum, whereas for a tribe AT minimum (A) losing a female puts you below that line
(10:45:00 AM) Proven Paradox: Okay, I see what's happening here. Okay, let me expand a bit.
(10:46:09 AM) Proven Paradox: Okay, Tribe A puts more priority on protecting females, yes. But if the five males in Tribe B are sufficient to cover hunting duties by themselves, is there a reason they wouldn't also protect their females to preserve their greater growth potential?
(10:47:24 AM) Dani: Well that comes into complications of if five males can handle that growth potential. Because first you're just feeding 20 people, then you're feeding 35 people...then you're feeding 5 males, 15 pregnant women and their 15 toddlers...
(10:48:03 AM) Dani: Assuming orcs advance much the same as humans that puts a huge strain on five males to support a rapidly growing tribe
(10:49:20 AM) Proven Paradox: Hm. I was constructing this model (in my head, as I type <<) with a base assumption "there is plenty of food, that's not a problem, we're hand-waving that" without stating it. Take that away and yeah, you're right, this falls apart. Hm.
(10:50:32 AM) Dani: Not considering as well the need for clothing, building materials...
(10:51:50 AM) Proven Paradox: Mmm. I need to put that on the backburner then, my rationale has serious holes in it.
(10:53:11 AM) Dani: Well, it's a good thought exercise.

I Write, Therefore...

2009-12-01T19:40:00.003-05:00

So, NaBloPoMo is over. I feel like I can relax a bit, not worry about whether or not I get a post up. Really, nothing was at stake other than my faith in myself to keep with it, and luckily I didn't break that faith.

But, now what?

Honestly, some of the things I posted were pretty lame. I didn't like posting the lameness, but I needed to post something. I don't want to do that anymore, really. I want to write when I have something interesting to say. Unfortunately...my life is not that interesting.

Get up. Go to class. Doodle. Eat food. Sit on the computer. Be Bored. Sleep.

I have a lot of interesting thoughts, but I can never remember them when I sit down to write. I wonder about a lot of things, have idle fancies. But it never seems to stick.

Pretty sad considering I used to want to be an English major, huh? I still want to be a novelist, but I can't get going. I can't get my ideas to mesh, to make coherent sense. I have ideas but they don't have a consolidation for them. I scribble out parts, pieces, but I can't ever tie them together or summon up enough oomph to do it properly.

Augh. My wasted youth. Lulz.

Maybe it's that school takes up so much time and energy. Sitting in classes, writing notes, writing papers, doing research projects and reading textbooks...I don't feel the strong urges to write as much anymore. Even my WoW blog is waning a bit.

Or perhaps I'm just settling further into the lonely depression that accompanies the fact that I've now not seen my love for almost 5 months.

I have to get out of this funk.

Augh Caffeine

2009-11-30T15:17:00.002-05:00

Really. Really. SensitivetocaffeineamgI'mshaky.

I love coffee drinks. I don't know why. I don't like coffee itself. But I love latte's. The problem is they always leave me shaky and jittery and hopped up on caffeine. I don't know why I don't ask for the decaf.

Can they do that to a latte?

But I don't know why, I don't get this way with soda. Maybe because it's taken in more slowly than my espresso-infused latte. A soda and a coffee drink together are like a death sentence to me.

Anyway, so that's me. A jittery crazy caffeine-hopped up person with nothing else to say. Oh man. Ohhhmaaaaansojitterywtf.

Deadlines Deadlines Deadlines

2009-11-29T23:25:00.004-05:00

If my bus had been much later, I would have lost NaBloPoMo at the very end. How utterly disheartening that would have been...such a simple thing, but sometimes it's the simple things that are the most disappointing. I mean, if it's a difficult thing you fail at, at least you can blame it on it being, well...difficult. But a simple thing? A simple thing is either completely out of your control (such as a bus being super late due to a lost bus driver or stand still traffic) or is entirely your fault.

As it is, I'm dead tired and typing nonsense because I have a deadline. I have deadlines for classes, too. Deadlines I have to catch up on and remember. I know my Capgras syndrome paper is due the 8th, which is coming up. I'm not sure when my complete Art History paper is due but it's pretty soon. I have tests sometime this or next week...

Another graduation potential problem: I was maybe misinformed about my biology requirements. So hopefully if that's true there's another science class open I can take instead of my Creative Writing class (which I really wanted to take but, oh well, graduating on time is more important) and I can still graduate. I would be more panicked if I wasn't so. freaking. tired.

And now? To catch up on everything else and then collapse in bed.

Night!

I Can't Watch This

2009-11-28T22:14:00.002-05:00

I have a hard time watching watching shows in which people are purposely manipulative or cruel or mean to people who either

a) don't know it's happening and so are helpless to it
b) are trapped by the situation and have to make the best of it
c) know the situation and are trying to change it but it backfires/no one believes them

The rest of this blog contains spoilers from various random shows/movies so if you're not cool with that stop reading.

Now I don't mind the silly, over-the-top crap like in "Mean Girls" where the pranks are so crazy obvious and fantastically exaggerated that they're not conceivably real. I mean the real-to-life situations...

Okay, so the movie "The Family Stone" is on the TV and my mom is watching it. In the end, I have to shut it off. It was just so painful to watch the protagonist's family be cruel and uncivil to her, and how inviting her sister they try to manipulate him into liking her instead...and the meanness is so obvious it hurt me to watch. The man's girlfriend tried and tried and tried to fit in, and they just routed her, were cold to her, rebuffed her and openly insulted her. I know the movie has a happy ending, but I couldn't get there. I couldn't watch the process of people being so cruel.

Then there's the show "Peach Girl," an anime about a very tan Japanese girl (this is important because "pale" is supposed to be the most attractive skin tone). She wants to be with her childhood crush, but in the way is another teenage guy who is just all over her, and her "friend" who manipulates her and the guy she wants so completely that he begins taking her side over Momo's (main character's). Though Momo starts to realize what's happening, she can't get anyone to believe her. And so the other girl keeps manipulating the guy coming to her for advice on how to patch up their relationship into doing the wrong thing and hurting Momo even more.

I know a lot of these are exaggerated for plot purposes...but the sad thing is that I also know that these kinds of people exist. That people can be so cruel to each other, and hurt each other, for whatever twisted goals or selfish reasons they may have. To some it makes a story, but to me...

I just can't watch it.

It's Just Blah

2009-11-27T13:42:00.002-05:00

It's a cloudy day. The puppies aren't home. I left my dad's house and I won't be there until the middle of December. My mom's tired from her radiation.

I lost my guild in WoW, which feels like losing a large, dysfunctional family in one swift blow. A lot of them are transferring, too, so I won't get to see them.

I'm supposed to write every day. The month is almost over. But it's just one of those days, you know, where you just feel...down. And writing about it isn't even interesting, because there's no sensational story behind it or drama or loss.

It's just...blah.

Hey!

2009-11-26T11:24:00.002-05:00

I'm typing this while I semi-drip-dry off from the shower, because I realize if I don't write it now, I won't get it done. I don't exactly go into Turkey coma due to not having Turkey (which is really somewhat of a placebo effect anyway because your body can't process the tryptophan that quickly and would need a lot more blah blah blah) but I will get sleepy from lots of food, unless by some miracle I pace myself again. Though, really...pacing myself just means there weren't a lot of choices for me at the table...

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving! If you're celebrating Thanksgiving, that is. I have a Canadian friend celebrating today because he missed his own. Those Canadians, they'll take anything!

We're going to be doing a webcam thing today with some of my family who are in Disney but don't want to miss the family get together. They want their cake and they want to eat it! AMG. Also, we're using my computer. No one else in the family apparently has a webcam, but I have one built in. I swear if any food gets on it I will shank a bitch.

Well, happy Turkey Day and enjoy your foods! And if this is just a regular day for you, celebrate thankfulness anyway. Because it's important. And no, I'm not doing a list of what I'm thankful for here, as no one wants to see me gush about my boyfriend and family for paragraphs on end.

No one!

Treat Me My Age

2009-11-25T11:55:00.000-05:00

At some point, I turned 21 (June 13th, 2009) and I became, irreversibly, an adult in the eyes of the law. Yes, technically 18 is adult enough to sign for yourself, but not adult enough to manage the substances you introduce to your body or stop being called a teenager. Now all I'm barred from are senior citizen's discounts and driving a rental car.

So, at what point does the condescension stop?

I know, I know. I'm new to this whole "adult" thing. I know I don't have your experience. But, please, stop treating me like a child. Don't pull the whole "you'll understand when you're older" bullshit. Don't titter behind your hand, going "my dear, that's not how the world works."

I will admit, I don't know everything. And being at the age where I'm almost possibly going to be living on my own, where I'm going to have to manage car insurance and everything...it scares me. But when someone just takes my inexperience as an excuse to treat me like an amusing-yet-dense child, it's just grating.

Yeah, maybe you have the wisdom and years to see mistakes I'm making. Maybe it's clear as day to you. Well, guess what? Present it to me with a condescending tone or a know-it-all flair, and I'm going to ignore you. You have so much experience, you remember consequences so clearly, yet you can't remember how it felt to be treated like a child, and how humiliating it feels?

I think my uncle illustrated this perfectly when he was considering letting my older brother, Gabriel, then 22 and graduated, use his beach house. As he was talking about rules and things, he felt the need to interject a comment on how he wasn't sure if he could trust my brother, 'cause he still seemed like a kid to him. My older brother, shocked and hurt, had no reply for that. I was angry; when had my brother ever shown signs of being irresponsible, even as a teenager? Never. Not once in high school or college did my brother do anything remotely stupid or dangerous or damaging. And now, as a fully graduated adult with a degree searching for a job, my uncle just knocked him down to the rank of untrustworthy teenager. What the hell?

There's not much point to this other than the fact that I'm tired of being treated like an ignorant toddler every time I have to ask for help with something I don't understand. I'm tired of people dumbing things down for me, acting in the same manner as if I was dim or dull, or just so precious because I don't know what the real world is like.

Knock it off.

I Know What You're REALLY Doing

2009-11-24T01:14:00.000-05:00

(1:08:45 AM) JuiceboxDani: AREYOUGETTINGMARRIEDONTHESHIP
(1:08:53 AM) JuiceboxDani: :P
(1:09:00 AM) Sann: hah, that'd be something, but no
(1:09:11 AM) JuiceboxDani: aw
(1:09:14 AM) JuiceboxDani: oh I get it
(1:09:16 AM) JuiceboxDani: it's a surprise
(1:09:19 AM) JuiceboxDani: I can't know about it
(1:09:20 AM) JuiceboxDani: I see.
(1:09:22 AM) Sann: xD
(1:09:22 AM) JuiceboxDani: Carry on
(1:09:24 AM) Sann: no
(1:09:25 AM) Sann: see
(1:09:34 AM) Sann: we aren't getting married until either I'm out of the military
(1:09:37 AM) Sann: or shes done with school
(1:09:51 AM) JuiceboxDani: which is
(1:10:23 AM) Sann: uhm
(1:10:29 AM) Sann: 2 years from now or so?
(1:10:45 AM) JuiceboxDani: aw
(1:10:46 AM) JuiceboxDani: long time
(1:10:52 AM) Sann: yep
(1:10:54 AM) Sann: unfortunately
(1:11:03 AM) Sann: I'd love to marry her right now but she won't have it lol
(1:11:09 AM) JuiceboxDani: Uh huh
(1:11:15 AM) JuiceboxDani: You're totally getting married on the cruise.
(1:11:19 AM) JuiceboxDani: I see what you're doing.
(1:11:31 AM) Sann: hahaha
(1:11:34 AM) Sann: no, really, we're not
(1:11:38 AM) Sann: just lots and lots of secks
(1:11:38 AM) JuiceboxDani: Look
(1:11:45 AM) JuiceboxDani: I know you're trying to cover up the secret
(1:11:46 AM) JuiceboxDani: I get it
(1:11:48 AM) JuiceboxDani: And it's cool
(1:12:06 AM) JuiceboxDani: But I'm hurt you can't be honest with me
(1:12:44 AM) Sann: you're totally right
(1:12:52 AM) JuiceboxDani: <3
(1:12:53 AM) Sann: we're having a shotgun wedding on the cruise
(1:13:06 AM) JuiceboxDani: I don't think they allow you to take firearms onto the cruise.
(1:13:19 AM) Sann: damn there goes that idea
(1:13:22 AM) Sann: guess we'll have to wait
(1:13:30 AM) JuiceboxDani: aw man
(1:13:37 AM) JuiceboxDani: and I'd finally gotten you to admit it
(1:13:44 AM) Sann: totally

Dogsitting

2009-11-23T10:23:00.004-05:00

It's interesting to watch my two dogs interact. Marie, the new puppy, is a bit more aloof than Max was. You're only interesting if Max thinks you're interesting. And if Max thinks you're interesting? YOU ARE NOW MAH CHEW TOY K?

When I would watch Max over the summer, before we had Marie, he would mope and whine if my stepdad went to work without him. Now? Now he wants my attention, all the time, bettergetitbeforeIgiveittoMarieAMG. He will physically impose his body between you and the puppy because you are his person. He has become much more affectionate with competition around.

Not to say the two don't like each other. They're constantly teasing each other with toys, pouncing on each other's faces, trying to eat faces and ears and legs. Max will initiate, Marie will initiate...they both just love to play with each other. I think it's been good for Max to have Marie around. Though they are almost never left alone at home as my stepdad tends to take them to work with him, he still has to work, leaving them not much play time. With each other, they can amuse themselves inbetween times when I'm playing soccer and frisbee with them while trying to remove the large pieces of bark from within Marie's jaws.

Marie knows her name, but the little princess won't come when called all the time. I tend to have to herd her inside. But she doesn't run away, stays in the yard (generally) and is learning to jump out of the back of the car. She's much, much further along than Max was at this age, though that's more attributed to Max setting an example, I think.

This is way less stressful than raising Max was. Of course, I was responsible for watching puppy Max and 1-2 young children at the same time, and he wasn't remotely potty trained. Coming home to just watch two dogs who sleep for a few hours after a half hour of running outside without having to try and make mac n cheese and monitor on-the-hour potty breaks is much more relaxing.

If I could figure out how to get pictures off my phone onto here I would show you their awesomeness, but I can't so I fail.

Things I've Relearned Since Coming Home

2009-11-22T15:41:00.004-05:00

I have to make my bed. Like, more than just throwing the comforter over it, I have to make it look nice.

My stepdad doesn't like me doing his laundry. It doesn't matter that I've done laundry for my father and mother and two brothers and anyone else...I can't do his laundry.

They may not need me while I'm not home, but they will certainly find jobs for me as soon as I'm here. I'm slated for dog sitting tomorrow.

Homemade food is soooooooooo goooooooooood ahmagaaaaaaaaaaaaah. And there's so many different kinds of it! SO MANY.

I'm always tired because I stay up late but no one will let me sleep. They're either letting the dogs in to paw at my face or running some sort of equipment or "Hey do you want pancakes?" (no one has offered me pancakes yet, actually, but I would love some, thank you).

Everyone wants to know how school is, how Jordan is, what I'm doing. And they always ask it the same way and I struggle, for whatever reason, not to repeat answers the same as I did a billion times before.

Home is, at the same time, more stressful and more relaxing than school.

I like being home.

Chauffeur, Please Bring the Car Around

2009-11-21T13:39:00.004-05:00

I hate not having a car.

Long story short, my little brother (little, ha! He's 18 now) got my car in a crash and it's still in the shop. So if I need a ride, he has to give it to me. This means I have to call him and wait for him and let him drive. Or, I have to spend a long time with him teaching me how to drive stick, because unlike both my brothers, I was never given a course on manual driving, nor received a car that required it (I've spent 4 years driving a Nissan Quest; I didn't even get to drive the Camry as "mine" before it was in the shop).

One of the things I liked about having a car (van, cough) was the ability to just go when I needed to. Sometimes, when I was especially wasteful of gas and feeling miserable, I would just...drive. It helped me think while still keeping me focused on something. And in the end I generally did some sort of errand for someone, which made me feel less wasteful and also useful.

Now, I can't do that. I can't get out of the house when I feel like I can't take it anymore. I have to have a chauffeur. And even though my dad says I should make him work his schedule around when I need the car, I don't feel right in making him wreck plans to shuttle me back and forth from my mom's and dad's. He didn't wreck the car on purpose.

But, man, once you have a car and license, it's a real pain to have to get rides everywhere...but at least it saves on gas?

Going Home!

2009-11-20T12:13:00.004-05:00

I get to go home today. And I am so ready.

I have to take a seven hour bus ride. I'm gonna grab a bag lunch for dinner from the school cafeteria, eat my easy mac now, and so I should be all set to just use the bathroom and not wait in the food lines at the rest stop. Because, for some reason, someone always decides it makes sense for all four school charter buses to stop at the same rest stop at the same time.

I have my iPod, I've got a notebook, I've got a sweatshirt with magic pillow transformation powers. I have a laptop. I have a roommate on the same bus getting off at the first stop so as long as we sit together, I'll have an empty seat next to me for the majority of the trip (WIN).

If you gotta sit on a bus for 7 hours, it's better to be SO PREPARED.

EDIT: Was totally not prepared to get sick in the first half hour, but got some generic travel sickness stuff at the rest stop. My seat partner was not my roommate, but some random girl who was very friendly. We talked for a while. I also met a nice girl from another bus at the rest stop. We got coffee and I let her, a stranger, have the first sip of my pumpkin spice latte. I may now have SWINE FLU AMG PANIC.

Wasn't terrible. Bus driver got lost constantly and the movies on were too loud, but otherwise...eh, typical bus ride.

Listen to the Music I Listen To

2009-11-19T12:38:00.005-05:00

So I have really weird tastes in music, facilitated by my boyfriend force-feeding me things and my natural inclination to listen to music like I may someday not have music so I must have all the music now.

Notice how badly I'm writing. I just had to write seven short essays on the results of brain damage and opponent color processing and the lateral geniculate nucleus of the thalamus. I am not at my most verbose.

Thus: MUSIC!

Let's start off with something nice:

Light, airy, a little sad but also fun. You should see the music video (that had embedding disabled QQ) here, because of all the fun nostalgic toys running around. Owl City is not everyone's cup of tea, but I think it's good, soft, fun music.

Next we have:

Fall Out Boy is my guilty pleasure. It's that band you listen to where everyone who's trying to be cool laughs at you and calls you a...I dunno. Bad music lover? Calls the band sell outs? Whatever. I love them. Their lyrics are always eclectic and you have to pick them apart, the instruments are wonderful, and they're just oh-so sing-along-able. Their music videos always show a great sense of humor, too.

As we continue:

I loved this specific video ever since Braids showcased it on her site, and the silly, shallow, bouncy music with lyrics I can't understand is just simple fun with no need to search for meaning; you just bob your head and enjoy the animation.

Now we're at:

This is the first song I ever linked Jordan, because I'm a pansy and just can't outright say to someone "I think I'm falling for you." Someday, I hope we can go see Mae in concert. Probably my favorite band, hands down.

Picking it up from the sappiness:

The Ting Tings have attitude and a style I really haven't heard in other music. While this song isn't the best to showcase their eclectic-ness, it's still one of my favorites of theirs.

Walking on to:

Sorry about the picture, but it was the best video I could find not full of gory bleeding emo goth girls and boys. Not. Kidding. Anyway. E Nomine does something I love: mixing genres you don't generally think of as meshing well. Little bit of roch, little bit of electronic, little bit of that fire-and-brimstone latin hymns. Operatic metal I think is what it's called? It's awesome, whatever its label. Also did you hear the bagpipes? Love bagpipes.

The next one is loud and angry:

I DID WARN YOU. Now, normally, I can't stand the shouty-screamy style, but Turmion Kätilöt just do it well. They're Finnish, which is why you can't understand what they're saying, but damn do they make the best raiding music ever. It can even make watching healing meters more exciting. Weeeeeee adrenaline pumping music go!

To lighten things up (and wrap them up):

Anything by Weebl = pure win. It just is. It's fun and catchy and has things like dugongs, narwhals, pork and Kenya.

I of course like a ton of other kings of music, but why list them now when there could be more parts later when I'm lazy and don't want to talk about things that are actually interesting?

Panic Dreams

2009-11-18T12:37:00.003-05:00

Though not necessarily fraught with danger like a nightmare, there are dreams that just make you...panic. Nightmares can do it, but so can pure anxiety and nervousness. Anything where you wake up in a state of frantic need. Whether it's a need to ensure something bad didn't happen or doesn't happen, it's a terrible feeling.

I have these dreams a lot. Often it's about school. They'll entail how I miss classes for an entire semester, and now have a final test to not fail yet I have no idea what the test is on or where the classroom even is. Or I'll have forgotten an entire facet of a class's assignments, like weekly quizzes. Or I've slept through tests.

Lots of school related anxiety.

Then there's panic dreams that involve Jordan. I've always...lost him. Or he's moving away from me. Or I had him in the first part of the dream, and then he's gone and I don't know where. Or he's suddenly and inexplicably replaced by someone else who is definitely not him.

When you only see your boyfriend once ever 3-5 months...these dreams really mess with you.

I haven't been able to sleep in peace for over a week now. Either my dreams are making me panic or they're so convoluted and jumbled my mind is spending its resting period trying to sort them out.

I just want some good sleep.

My DnD Gnoll

2009-11-17T17:26:00.001-05:00

Tazmurr Bloodsun, Flind Gnoll by ~DanisMuffins on deviant ART

And now you all know where my Deviant Art gallery is and can laugh at all the pitifulness there!

Kindness Sandwich

2009-11-16T15:28:00.004-05:00

So there's a van on our campus that serves food on meal plan (or off meal plan) that hangs around outside my second class on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Doesn't have a lot of food choices, but it does have grilled cheese sandwiches (with or without ham; guess which I pick). These sandwiches come with fries and a drink, and it's not a bad meal (as in, it tastes good, it's still bad for you).

So, anyway, I was waiting in the cold because my dumb self hadn't brought a sweatshirt and the lady gets me my water bottle and then my sandwich and fries. I ask her for ketchup, and in the act of getting the packets from her my clumsiness causes me to nearly drop the paper carton thing holding my sandwich and fries. I lost half my sandwich.

I would have been perfectly cool with dumping that half of sandwich that landed in the street into the trash and eating my half a sandwich. But without me asking, complaining or getting upset, the lady in the van tells me "I'll make you another one, just a few minutes." And she did. So I ended up with a sandwich and a half, no charge for the replacement.

I had been having such a crappy day until then.

It's DnDeeeeeeeeeee

2009-11-15T15:37:00.003-05:00

(9:44:04 PM) JuiceboxDani: so
(9:44:10 PM) JuiceboxDani: setting sun swordsage flind gnoll
(9:44:18 PM) JuiceboxDani: I get to throw people
(9:44:24 PM) JuiceboxDani: this...to me is really cool
(9:44:27 PM) JuiceboxDani: :x
(9:44:47 PM) Proven Paradox: Heh. Yeah, it could work out well for you.
(9:44:59 PM) JuiceboxDani: ballista throw or something...
(9:45:23 PM) JuiceboxDani: yes
(9:45:25 PM) JuiceboxDani: ballista throw
(9:45:35 PM) JuiceboxDani: which I don't think I can get yet since it's level 6
(9:45:38 PM) JuiceboxDani: but it sounds AWESOME.
(9:45:59 PM) Proven Paradox: Oh, check the Setting Sun ninth level maneuver.
(9:46:09 PM) JuiceboxDani: yeah
(9:46:12 PM) JuiceboxDani: you just keep throwing people
(9:46:18 PM) Proven Paradox: It's literally pulling a Tazmanian Devil spin.
(9:46:28 PM) Proven Paradox: And, being a gnoll, you almost look the part too.
(9:46:52 PM) JuiceboxDani: hahaha
(9:46:54 PM) JuiceboxDani: move ten feet
(9:46:56 PM) JuiceboxDani: throw someone
(9:46:58 PM) JuiceboxDani: move ten feet
(9:47:00 PM) JuiceboxDani: throw someone
(9:47:10 PM) JuiceboxDani: can move up to twice my movement speed with it!
(9:47:16 PM) Proven Paradox: You can throw the same person multiple times too.
(9:47:42 PM) JuiceboxDani: hahahahahaha
(9:47:44 PM) JuiceboxDani: that's hilarious
(9:47:51 PM) Proven Paradox: It's a good maneuver.
(9:47:55 PM) Proven Paradox: Oh, even better!
(9:48:23 PM) Proven Paradox: If you go swordsage, you can get a lot from making barbarian your second class.
(9:48:34 PM) Proven Paradox: And you can get the Whirlwind Frenzy variant.
(9:48:42 PM) Proven Paradox: Name her Taz. DOOOOO IIIIIIIT.
(9:48:50 PM) JuiceboxDani: I named her Murr...
(9:49:08 PM) Proven Paradox: RENAME HER.
(9:49:11 PM) JuiceboxDani: hahahaha
(9:49:16 PM) JuiceboxDani: I DON'T WANNA
(9:49:34 PM) Proven Paradox: Murr Taz?
(9:49:40 PM) JuiceboxDani: Tazmurr
(9:49:45 PM) JuiceboxDani: I'll name her tazmurr
(9:49:49 PM) Proven Paradox: Yes!
(9:50:08 PM) JuiceboxDani: http://www.myth-weavers.com/sheetview.php?sheetid=166690
(9:50:11 PM) JuiceboxDani: THERE HAPPY
(9:50:25 PM) Proven Paradox: INCREDIBLY.

(3:29:40 PM) Alex: I'm making enemies for my friends to fight tonight.
(3:29:59 PM) Alex: They all made evil characters... and they're in a plane hopping tavern owned by Richard Nixon.
(3:30:21 PM) Alex: ... this isn't a particularly serious game of DnD, you may have guessed.

(3:40:42 PM) Alex: I'm now making Sir Wilhelm the Not-Quite-A-Paladin.
(3:40:53 PM) Alex: He's a fighter. Who wants to be a paladin.
(3:41:01 PM) Alex: Lawful stupid all the way.

Happy Birthday!

2009-11-14T16:08:00.003-05:00

It was my little brother's 18th birthday yesterday. When did I get so old?

I mean, geez. He's an a-dult now.

And he got into the university he wanted and then he's going to go to college and OMG seriously when did he start growing up??

It's a little scary, really, to imagine him as a growed-up. I worry about him, but I'm sure he'll be all right. And if he's not I'll beat up whoever made him not all right.

ANGRY SISTER RAWR.

You're Doing It Wrong: Burrito Edition

2009-11-13T12:33:00.000-05:00

Half the people at the burrito place MAKE IT WRONG.

Well, it's not a "burrito place" but "Zoca," the Mexican hole-in-the-wall of one of my school's meal plan places. And they make lots of different stuff there but I get burritos generally. Black beans, rice, lettuce, cheese (not the cheese sauce, but the shredded cheese), tomato and sour cream. And only half the time do they make it right.

I'm not saying that they forget ingredients or add extras. Nah, the problem comes in the folding of the burrito.

When you fold a burrito properly, taking a bite out of an end should look like this:

This is the most common (proper) but not best-case scenario. Best-case scenario is:

This allows you to taste every different thing you put in the burrito, at once. This is pretty easy to achieve simply by taking the first scenario and squishing it from the sides so it looks like this one.

But what do I tend to get?

This is a side view of the burrito. They end up folding it so that if you eat it from the ends, you will first work your way through all the beans, then all the rice, then all the lettuce, and so on. And anyone who has ever had a burrito before knows you can't really just squish-fix this. And re-wrapping? That's a MESS.

Please, part-time student workers who don't really want to be there but need the money, LEARN HOW TO FOLD A BURRITO.

The Most Perfect Shower

2009-11-12T10:33:00.002-05:00

(This post assumes I am by myself without the option of including anyone else in the fantasy as those thoughts are just for me)

First of all, I wouldn't have to wait for the water to get just the right temperature of hot-enough-but-not-scalding. And as I wash, the temperature never fluctuates and the water never goes in my ear, my face doesn't get splashed (I don't like water on my face without some intermediary device, aka "washcloth") and I don't shed my long hair everywhere. I get all clean and don't nick or cut myself with the razor.

When I get out (after like 20 minutes sorry fish at least I don't eat you), the towels are clean and fluffy and soft and no one's used them before me. I have about three, for my hair and body and for snuggling into and they're warm because they just got out of the dryer right then. And the house is cool because that feels good against my skin, but not cold!

And then, I go into the bedroom and crawl into bed and sleep. For HOURS and it's good sleep because I'm not stressed or anxious or crazy.

That would be awesome.

Guilt

2009-11-11T11:00:00.000-05:00

A lot of my life is motivated by guilt, of all things. And yes, I was raised Catholic (though my main family has all but abandoned that religion now). But it occurs to me that I can't often make decisions without guilt factoring into them.

Take, for example, Christmas break. A lot is involved in getting Jordan and I together, since we live halfway across the country from each other. And the best way to see each other the longest is always for me to go be with him (bonus being we get to sleep in the same bed!). Now I've mentioned before that I'm pretty much broke, so here's where the first part of the guilt comes in: accepting Jordan's offer to pay for my plane ticket.

It's pretty much the only way I'll get out there, and it's also the same as if he ended up flying here. I just always have trouble accepting things from other people, especially where money is involved. I am uncomfortable with it. I joke around and say people should come visit me at my university and take me out to eat, but in reality it's hard for me to just accept it.

Anyway, I'm digressing.

The next part of guilt that comes with the plan to go to Texas to see Jordan is "abandoning" my parents during one of my few breaks. I will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then I'd be leaving, possibly until it's time to go back to school. With my older brother Gabriel in Arizona attending the Tucson police academy and my mom still undergoing radiation, as well as my father just being lonely...well, I feel bad.

Guilty for wanting to leave them to see the man I love who I haven't seen or held since July.

I can't seem to separate the idea of guilt from my decisions. Maybe I worry too much about how my actions affect others. Maybe the guilt is well founded.

Or maybe there actually is something to the whole "Catholic guilt" thing and it's just been internalized since I was little that I need to feel guilty about everything.

Procrastination Awesome

2009-11-10T14:08:00.003-05:00

So I set my alarm for 6 AM this morning and it didn't go off for whatever reason. I needed to write my lab report on Naloxone injections in rats modifying behavior and so on and I had class at 9:30. Luckily, my 7 AM alarm went off and I was able to get up.

Then at 7:30 I realized all I'd been doing was reading blogs and decided maybe, just maybe, I should get to work.

So, in an hour and a half I wrote a Results and Discussion section of a lab and relearned how to find the significance of the results of a t-test (I'd at least done the statistics work on Sunday!) and I hand-drew a graph as I couldn't figure out how to make this specific one in Excel! And all by 9 PM so I had time to run across the street, print it out, grab myself some breakfast and buy white out tape to fix a mistake on my graph!

I ended up having enough time to take a bathroom break before class and still get there early. Kickass.

I have a big project about Capgras syndrome due on the 8th of December. Wanna see all the research I've done for it (click to make it larger)?

And the cycle repeats itself.

Christmas is Coming

2009-11-09T11:00:00.002-05:00

And I don't have any money.

My favorite holiday is Christmas, because I like buying things for other people. I like to get them that thing they want, or something they didn't even know they wanted but when they got it, it was just so totally awesome that if they had known about it they would have wanted it. I just like to give presents.

But I can't, not this year. I have to save all my money. I can't even go to Texas to finally meet the other part of Jordan's family, and his friends, who he's wanted to introduce me to for over a year now, something I want so badly to do. I don't have a job, I can't find a job, and I'm going to have bills as soon as that diploma is in my hands in May. Any bit of money I can scrounge up has to stay in the bank.

I'm going to be making presents this year, probably, if I can bum the supplies off of someone or find an inexpensive way to procure them. Which I know people go "aw, but that's the best kind of gift!" but you know, the things I make? They're pretty useless. They're things you look at for a moment and go "oh, that's nice" and then you don't really need them or use them. Or maybe you eat them, if I decide what I'm making is cookies or something. Which seems kind of lame. "Merry Christmas, Mom! Here's the cookies I made in your kitchen with your sugar and flour and butter."

I don't know, it doesn't seem to impact as much as going out and finding something intensely useful or amusing that will be used often and for a long period of time. It's not even like people are expecting things from me. It's my frustration in not being able to provide. Especially when I have wonderful ideas for people, and my wallet is locked up tight; it's even more frustrating then. I know exactly what I would get for Jordan if I could.

I just hope Jordan can come see me...because that's all I want for Christmas. Not seeing him since July, and him not being able to come for Thanksgiving because of his move is just really sucking.

Questioning Refusal

2009-11-08T14:39:00.003-05:00

People seem to care, a lot, about me being a vegetarian. Some people, anyway. It comes up at different times. I always feel awkward mentioning it, like I'm wanting attention. "Ooh, look at me, the weird kid who doesn't eat meat!"

I've never met or been a vegetarian who harasses other people about eating meat, though I'm sure they're out there. Still, it's awkward for me to talk about being a vegetarian, because people always want to know why. And then, sometimes, even try to convince me I have faulty reasoning for not wanting to eat meat. Like, what, you expect me to go "Oh, hey, that's a good point" and then go out for some ribs?

Think about it. You ask someone why they eat meat, it could be "because I want to" or "because I like the taste." Those are acceptable answers. But if you don't eat meat, all kinds of meat, that is, those answers aren't acceptable. "Yeah, but why?" or "You just haven't tried the right stuff" is a response.

My little brother has tricked me into eating meat before, for laughs. He never fails to bring this up. My family teases me about it constantly, mostly in good fun but sometimes to the point where I get pissed off. It's like I can't just not want it, but that it has to be a point of discussion.

I don't really drink either, and when I do (generally only one wine cooler, because they don't taste like alcohol), someone makes a big deal about it. Especially going to a university in the middle of nowhere, all people do is party and drink, and I'm not into that. People don't understand it or tell me to come to those parties anyway, and I just don't want to.

Does it really matter so much to be different? I understand some people are just curious, but can't people just...not want to?

Bellwether or Dani?

2009-11-07T10:00:00.001-05:00

I have only used two monikers on the internet for quite a few years now: Bellwether and Dani.

Bellwether was a vocabulary word I learned in high school. I love it because of the sound, not necessarily for the definition. A "setter of trends" is slightly egotistical. A "castrated male sheep who leads the flock" is kind of...well, gross and the wrong gender for me. The last definition, which I've only ever seen in that high school vocabulary book, "a leader of a doomed and bloody revolution" is just emo (which explains why I took a liking to it in high school).

Dani is short for my real name, Danielle. Incredibly uncreative, but it's part of me. It's just a nickname I convinced people to call me. No one gave it to me (in fact I've never gotten a nickname from anyone but my boyfriend, and he alternates between "Fluffy" and "Sexypants" when I'm not simply "Danielle"), I just decided "from now on, I'm Dani."

So here I am, on my personal blog, and I'm thinking about not just babbling on here to myself but actually getting involved with the blogging world at large. And not the WoW Blogging world, because 4 Haelz is doing just fine there. I've started reading and commenting on a lot more blogs that are just about people's lives, and not the lives of their WoW characters. It's actually...exhausting, starting from scratch.

I've been commenting on these non-WoW blogs as "Bellwether." Which seems a little...awkward?

Should I keep my "other blog" moniker? I like being Bellwether, I love the sound of it and it has a lot of history attached to it. I also can't really change the author tag of "Bell" since my blogs are on the same account. But...in real life, I'm "Dani" (except to my boyfriend and family). Should the name attached change with the blog medium?

Or does it not really matter and I'm just thinking about it too much?

Problems with Definition

2009-11-06T10:56:00.002-05:00

There are a few things I've always had problems with. One of them, I'm ashamed as a Psych major to admit, is the difference between negative reinforcement and punishment. I always understand it when I'm reading the definition, I just can't ever seem to remember later. I know there is actually a significant difference and it makes sense. But I can't get it to stick.

So, obviously, I looked up the definitions for this post. Negative reinforcement is done by the removal of something negative for performing a behavior (such as a laboratory rat being rewarded for pushing a button by the removal of a high pitched noise). Punishment is an action meant to discourage a specific behavior.

Why can't I remember that? It's something I've tried specifically to remember time after time, and at best I only get it half right.

There's been other stuff like that. Just certain things I could never get. Like the Tories and Whigs of the Revolutionary war. I mean, I know the Tories are for the British now but I just looked it up. In middle school I always got the separation mixed up.

Always seem to be just those few things I can't get. Like past the Algebras, my ability to understand math just commits suicide in a rapid swan dive of incompetency. I don't even know why, because prior to geometry I loved all things mathematical.

It also feels a bit like giving up to say "I just can't get this." It's not that I don't get it and might later, it's saying I cannot and will not ever get this. And maybe it is a cop out, but it's not like I haven't tried.

Maybe after this I will remember the definitions of punishment and negative reinforcement, but I know I've said that before...

Natural Selection

2009-11-05T10:00:00.000-05:00

I was watching The Pebble and the Penguin on Hulu, because I am apparently in love with disillusioning myself about the things I enjoyed as a child, and I still like cartoons. So, as I said, I was watching the movie and it slowly began to occur to me that it's pretty regular for any female who is not the heroine to be completely blinded by the antagonist's "good looks," despite his many other failings. Some of them quite obvious.

I mean, this genetically mutated brute of a penguin, "Drake," was quite literally drooling all over the heroine's hand, for absolutely no reason and her "friends" in the background were swooning and like "amg u shud ttly mary him hez hawt!!!!!!!!!111"

He was just DROOLING ON HER HAND. His chest also makes up 2/3rds of his body. His voice is annoying and he will, apparently, kill and/or rape the heroine if she does not agree to be his mate for life. Oh, and, in the open, in front of the whole colony of penguins, he threw his "rival" (the hero) into the ocean so he would be eaten by a leopard seal.

THIS GUY IS A CATCH. IF I WAS A PENGUIN I WOULD TOTALLY WANT HIM TO MATE WITH ME FOR LIFE.

He chews on bones, even, and consorts with skua, who routinely eat penguin chicks.

I mean, the movie puts a lot of effort into making this guy completely loathsome. Yet, the heroine's stupid friends still seem to kiss his feet. None of the other penguins seem to have an opinion on him one way or another, either. Just those girl penguins. And I bet those blonde triplets from Beauty and the Beast would be all over him if they were penguins. Or those other female dogs in what, Balto and/or Balto II? At least animals have the excuse of trying to pass their genes down to the most fit specimen. You'd think it would warn them away from potentially abusive mates.

Then again, that never works for the praying mantis...

Stress and Anxiety and Closed Classes

2009-11-04T00:43:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, on the day I was supposed to register for classes, it was also the day many people were registering for housing. When I could get on the school network, it was extremely slow, crashed often, and it never allowed me the option to click the checkboxes next to the classes I needed. Eventually, the whole site went down.

I kept checking periodically throughout the day to see if I could register. I checked from 8am to Midnight, as often as I could, to see if I could register.

I could finally register at Midnight. And, well...

I'm a senior. I have very specific classes I need next semester to graduate. One of these is my senior synthesis class.

In apparently the time from about 7 to midnight (longest stretch of time I went without checking), the system went back up and somehow every single person registered for every available seat in every senior synthesis class.

This has to be an error. I'm begging for it to be an error.

I need this to graduate on time. I cannot graduate without it. It's just that simple.

I've sent an e-mail to my advisor. But all I can do is wait, and hope it is an error, or that something can be fixed. For once, it's not my fault, because I've been trying to register! I really have!

I don't need this stress, I've created enough on my own.

EDIT: I went down to the Liberal Studies office and they got me all fixed up. There's a little less anxiety on my plate... /phew

Left Brain, Right Brain

2009-11-03T10:00:00.001-05:00

You know all those cute little quizzes where you check off things that you are good at, or don't like, or how you like to learn or what you like to do? And then when it's done it goes "You are right brained!" or "You are left brained!" And it has all these facts about your personality and you're like "OH WOW THAT'S TOTALLY ME."

Yeah, just so you have the heads up, that's not how the brain works.

Now, that's sounding pretty pretentious for a senior in college without even a degree yet, but just bear with me here because I have to study the brain for my Physiological Psychology lab test today, and what better way to help me to remember than to assume someone is paying attention to me when I talk about it?

So, here's how it goes.

The brain is lateralized from left to right, which means it does have individual functions unique to its sides. However, these functions are broad and varied, and without a roughly equal emphasis on both you are going to have some problems.

While it's true that, say, language and music rely mainly on different hemispheres in the brain, no hemisphere truly "lights up" by itself. Even when listening to a purely musical recording, there will still be activity in the left hemisphere (the hemisphere responsible for language and communication), just as there will be activity in the widely musical section of the left hemisphere when someone is speaking.

When talking about the different sides of the brain, the right is considered to deal mainly with comprehension, emotion, spatial awareness, musical ability and pattern recognition. Damage to the right side of the brain can produce a flat affect when speaking, difficulty understanding emotion, problems with facial expressions and interpreting others' facial expressions.

Which face looks happier?

Though they're mirror images of each other, most people will choose the face with the smile on the left as your right field of vision (from both eyes!) heads to the right side of your brain, which, as previously stated, is more connected to the emotional aspect of your brain processes.

The left hemisphere is responsible for language, mainly, and damage to it is the cause of many different types of aphasia. An aphasia is always a product of brain damage, and is expressed through an often overwhelming language problem. To reiterate, it is a language problem, so all language is affected: speaking, writing, reading, comprehension, gesturing, etc. Though there are many types of aphasia, the most famous of them are Broca's and Wernicke's.

Broca's aphasia is often called "nonfluent aphasia" as the afflicted has trouble speaking, writing or gesturing. There are only slight comprehension problems, but only if the sentence has unfamiliar words, a complicated sentence structure, or relies on prepositions. The severity varies from the complete inability to speak or write, to simply slow, slurred, somewhat inarticulate speech. Though there is a part of the brain called "Broca's Area" (inferior left frontal lobe), damage has to occur to both this area and the surrounding tissue to produce a recognizable aphasia.

Wernicke's aphasia is called "fluent aphasia" because the person can speak perfectly well, but it's often a "word salad." A sentence like "ball tree 44 but dog who" is an example. Most of those suffering from Wernicke's aphasia have no idea they have it, and can easily become frustrated when people don't understand them. This aphasia occurs when there is damage to "Wernicke's Area" (left superior temporal lobe near the auditory cortex).

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was only about three pages of 20+ pages of notes.

It's pretty creepy to think about, really. A lot of the brain damage results I've studied so far end up with the person unable to realize they have them. Imagine...you, or I, could have brain damage right now, and we may never know because our brain sorts out the world to make sense.

Just, well, creepy.

Oh, and did you know, some kids are born with this really rare disease/disorder where half of their brain starts rotting away? And to stop it, they remove the entire affected hemisphere?! Those kids are the only ones allowed to say they're right or left brained.

Note: Because they're very young and their brains are still developing, their remaining lobe takes on the functions of the missing lobe, though there will be some deficits. This is not possible in a fully developed adult. And it's different form severing the corpus callosum (which was only for severe epileptic sufferers and is really not used anymore).

Trolls Under the Bridge

2009-11-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder about people who are "trolls" on the internet. I wonder about how they are in real life, when they step away from the computer.

It's quite possible they're perfectly nice, well-adjusted people. They have a family, a dog or a cat, a job and they take vacations to Disney World. Pay their bills, enjoy a good novel, do their own laundry. Maybe they volunteer somewhere.

And maybe the only thing keeping them sane at those moments of stress and inconvenience are those times they can just unload on faceless people on the internet.

Think about it. How often have you just gotten so angry you wanted to lash out at someone, anyone, but were afraid of the repercussions? You couldn't do it because it would ruin a relationship, hurt a friendship, or send you to jail. Yet, on the internet, the majority of such actions against strangers can be written off entirely.

You don't often run into terrible people in real life unless you work in the service industry. Even when I worked in retail, too, I didn't meet a lot of bad people. Sure, there were some who went "I know this isn't your fault, but here is why I'm going to get mad at you anyway" and there was almost a fight between a granny and a gigantic man (the granny was picking the fight, too!) around the holiday times, but generally you meet nice, decent people or even just people who ignore you.

Then again, you meet people who delight in belittling others, or even performing ridiculous, stupid acts to bother people for no reason, like traveling in a group to spread out to all four doors in and out of the building, making sure to block the way of any person trying to get in and saying something obscene/derogatory to them.

That happened yesterday. Why? I don't know. The guy even looked me right in the eyes as he did it, with a smirk. At least I had the decency to give him an unimpressed "what the hell" face. And that I had my headphones on so I couldn't hear what preceded a garbled "baby girl."

That's definitely the kind of person who would feel validated by insulting someone random over the internet for no real reason, wouldn't you agree?

Growing Up

2009-11-01T16:48:00.000-05:00

Growing up is romanticized too much for me. I keep having these delightful visions of me curled up, alone or with Jordan, on a couch in my own place, perhaps also a dog (German Shephard or Rottweiler!), enjoying my newfound freedom.

I'm pretty sure, in reality, it's just a ton of stress and bills and "why are there lights on, I can't afford that!" Car insurance, maintenance, gas. Paying rent. Buying groceries. Paying for school. Working, doing homework, going to class.

Accidents, like plumbing problems, faulty wiring, car breakdowns.

Getting sick in a new place. Where's the doctor? Does my insurance still cover this? What do you mean, I'm not a dependent anymore? $30 for my prescription? That was my grocery money for the week...

I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating: I'm pretty scared about growing up. I'm sure I'll live, but...well, it's scary. I want to "grow up" but I'm not sure how good I'm going to be at it.

About Me

2009-10-31T01:06:00.000-04:00

This layout has an unalterable "About Me" tab at the top, or at least unalterable for one of my limited talents, and so I looked up one of those ridiculous "about you" quizzes.

And then I realized it was really, really stupid.

I'll write more in here as it comes to me, but to start with:

I always skip the last step going down stairs.

When I fill a cup with water I have to immediately drink out of it.

In the dorm I've lived in for two and a half years now, there's a typewriter in the hall. Whenever I go past it, I have to hit the letter "H".

I like food that is chewy. Mentos are my favorite.

I have a wonderful family and an amazing boyfriend, named Jordan.

I want a rottweiler, a shiba inu, and a dachshund.

I'm terrified of being an adult while at the same time I really, really want to stop being a dependent.

I have a lot of panic attacks.

Crudpuff

2009-10-31T00:35:00.001-04:00

So I went to bed after crying for quite a long while, because I was exhausted and sleep just had to be done. So, of course, in the morning I woke up with baggy and puffy ugly eyes and crud gluing them shut.

This always happens when I go to bed after crying for a while (I'm a very emotional person) and it can get kind of annoying. I am stuck with the puffy eyes all day, really, and there's not much to do about them but hope they're gone the next morning. I don't even wear makeup, nor do I know how to apply it (nor do I wish to learn, thank you!) so, well, I just look terrible all day.

Woo.

But the crud, the crud is what gets to me. I spend such a long time wiping it away, and then magically, there's more. I spend half an hour or more rubbing the gunk from my eyes. Urgh. I was probably crying in my sleep, too!

Hate the crudpuff.

Mind, You Fickle Creature

2009-10-26T17:35:00.001-04:00

It of course would come to pass that since I have decided to start recording my dreams, I would have no dreams in whole enough pieces to jot down. Nothing memorable has happened, no odd worlds or people, no body switching, storylines or realizations. Nothing.

Well, not nothing. But nothing that I can put into words other than "fragments."

When I can't remember a dream, all I can picture in my head is an image of broken, colored glass, faded, muted and frustrating. After all, this is not what I want to see. I don't need a collage of boring tones, I want to know my story. What I did. This is simply an obstruction, a place holder.

This was not my dream.

Or perhaps it was. Perhaps I have many dreams in fragmented glass, and my mind is attempting to show this to me while I curse at it (using my mind to curse my mind, the poor abused creature). That would be an incredibly frustrating way to dream, and I hope it is seriously not how I dream. I think it would drive me insane to know that only in the rarest of occasions am I lucid; otherwise, it's all just a broken TV screen.